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Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
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7:46 pm - UPDATE!!!
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I HAVE A NEW LIVEJOURNAL USER NAME!!
IT'S DOCTORNETTERPH
I'LL BE USING THAT ONE NOW, SO PUT ME ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST! :)
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(Play the trombone)
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| Monday, July 26th, 2004
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8:55 pm - Just an update.....nothing important
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*siiiiigh* Noah Wyle is the hottest man alive! For y'all who don't know, he's Dr. John Carter from ER. Mmmmm...he's one fine doctor. Awww, he's so gorgeous!!
Okay, I'm done blabbling now. Teeheehee
I'm going to go read now. Ta-ta!
current mood:  giddy
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(Play the trombone)
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| Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
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8:53 pm
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12:14 am
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...Goodbye
-no one comment-
I just really want to be left alone for right now...
"Whiskey Lullaby"
(Brad)
She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind,
Until the night.
Chorus:
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her 'til I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby.
(Both)
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
(Alison)
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind,
Until the night.
Chorus:
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
current mood:  REALLY Depressed/Crying
current music: Brad Paisley & Allison Krauss - "Whiskey Lullaby"
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(1 note | Play the trombone)
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| Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
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10:39 pm
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| Sunday, July 18th, 2004
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5:36 pm - I'M SO FUCKING STUPID!!!
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Yeah, I feel like a complete jack-ass. I had to go and do something stupid and I lost a friend - someone who I sort of need in this time and with some of the upcoming events that are most likely going to be taking place coming the end of the summer or beginning, middle of September and we have that in common and use one another for support. *sigh* Why did I have to go and say things? I guess I was really upset and my damn stupidity went and cost a friendship, probably two, and the one I just rekindled. Why can't I just think before I speak instead of just saying whatever flies out of my mouth. I want to talk to her and tell her that I'm sorry, but she probably won't want to listen to her, and well - I don't blame her. I've been a complete jack-ass bitch lately, and I'm truely sorry to whoever I've a) either blown off or b) just be a two-timing bitch. I don't know what's overcome me. And I don't blame anyone if they don't want to talk to me or associate with me. I honestly don't. I hope she and he read this and know that I want to talk to them and let them know that I've completely fucked up yet again. Nothing new to me.
Mom found the new cuts on my arm and asked about them. I told her the cat did it, but I don't think she believes me. But she didn't say anything about it, but something feels that she doesn't believe me when I tell her the cat does it. Sometimes I wish they would put me back in the hospital, I still don't trust myself alone at times. Even though I just said I wish they would put me back, I HATED it there. I got worse and basically lied to the psychiatrist just to get the hell out of there. You sink into a deeper depression. You have no independence, you're basically told what to do. All you want to do is sleep with the medication they feed you. I'm still throwing up. I'm still so mentally fucked up. I have my good days and my bad days. This whole weekend has been horrible. I'm so bored in this house, but I don't want to go out because I DO NOT want to make my other friends miserable when I'm around and I'm not my happy-go-lucky self.
I'm sure ya'll are fed up hearing about my mental state of being. So I'm done writing and probably for awhile. I just want to get things cleared up between me and Adair - but I don't blame you if you don't want to. I've been a two-timing bitch and I'm sorry. I got angry. But I do care about you as a friend and someone I can go to when no one else understands how I'm feeling. Because you understand. I know this shouldn't be overtaking my life. It's all out and over with. And Jeremy, I'm sorry if I upset you or did anything to piss you off at me again. I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy and same to you Adair. I don't know, I like looking out for other people and I guess that got the best of me.
Goodbye
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?
current mood:  Guilty & I hate myself
current music: Evanescence - "Going Under"
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(3 notes | Play the trombone)
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| Saturday, July 17th, 2004
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4:07 pm - Well, this is doing something productive
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--Whoa, HEY NOW BILLY
-I get tongue-tied? HAH!
...Before I die, I want to chase a tornado out in the mid-west plain states. I've always wanted to do that. Hm, that will be my hobby when I'm not working in a hospital as a well-known Neurologist/Pharmacist. I dream big...
--Yup! I have to see and hear it from someone who knows what they are talking about.
--AHH! I was on Zoloft and it made me WORSE!! DIE ZOLOFT! DIE!!! (wee for Lexapro)
current mood:  Soo bored out of my damn mind
current music: The sound of my A/C running
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(Play the trombone)
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| Thursday, July 15th, 2004
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10:55 pm - I find out information really late
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Wow, I really wish people would inform me when he waived the arraigment. Hm, it looks like it was written the day I got home from Jefferson Hospital from my surgery. Still, it would of been nice to have been told that this happend. I just found this out tonight by looking through the Pottstown Mercury online. The things you stumble upon when your in the hospital for 4 days and don't get the newspaper and don't have online access until now - July 15th. I'm sure Mom and Dad knew but just never informed me? I don't know anymore. Yeah, this is really going to suck, coming home from college and probably missing a day (great), having to go to court, having to see him again, having to tell me story - ONCE again and having to answer from laywer who piss me off sometimes when they ask you a question but you never get out your answer because they are running off another question at the same time. No date has been set, but I reckon about end of summer, beginning to mid September. Like I'll feel like coming home just for A DAY! ...Thanks a lot self...
Anyways, Daddy hooked my computer that's supposed to be for college in my room. At first he just wanted to see if everything worked, but I talked him into letting him hook it up in my room. So I have my own computer and Darin can use the one in the computer room. Wee, we all get what we want and no fighting. That makes us all happy. I like my computer. Windows XP Professional, flat 15" screen, and other fun features. It's about time I get a computer in my room. I just need a softer chair than the chair from the kitchen. But I'm not here much longer - WEEEEE!! A MONTH AND A HALF!!
I started thinking about college the other day. Just realizing that I'm not going to be living at home anymore. Making new friends, starting classes all over as a freshmen, being in a different band (just about the same size as the high school marching band was last season), actually having a "major" and knowing this is what you're going to be doing the rest of your life. Sharing a room with someone you never met until you move in, and just overall starting a whole new chapter in your life. I'm so excited to start!! I finally leave Pottstown August 24th. The band director wants us up there like 4 days before the actual move in day is. There is no try outs for the University band or the concert band (just for chairs), but I'm not sure about the jazz ensemble. I'm just soo happy to get out of this town and move on with everything.
AH, BORED! And kinda cold...burrrr...
Okay---Nighty Night!
current mood:  cold
current music: Talking to Shawn and my A/C running
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(Play the trombone)
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9:20 am - --No Subject Really--
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Yeah, so I'm back online. Whoopied-fucking-do. I really didn't miss the internet that much. No one really talks to me, so why should I bother being on? I wish I was still in the hospital. I can't wait to get out of this one horse town. Yeah, so I act like I feel better and shit when the truth is, I'm not. I'm still battling depression and my 6th anti-depressant I've been on does shit for me and Paxil was giving me seizure and Zoloft was making me worse. Great! Ya know, I don't know who to trust really. I reckon there are only like 3 people I can trust...I think, and that's just assuming. *sigh* Like any of y'all truely care about what is going on in my life. Right now, just a few things are irritating me. I'm not going to say anything in here, because I don't want anyone else pissed off at me. I still hate my life, I still hate everthing that's been going on in my life. I think I might be over reacting just a little bit, but this week has sucked big time. It's like this massive downhill fall and depression is winning this week. Why? I wish I knew. I miss everyone I used to hang out with. I miss the people who mean a whole lot to me, but it's like we're all moving on and maybe for the better. I don't know. I just want to leave. And I'm sure a few people will be happy when I do. AH, FUCK THEM!
I think that dream that I used to have just about every night is going to be happening - again. I already barely eat, I cry just about every night (still), my interest for things is like no longer, I like the physical pain I get to let me forget about the emotional and mental pain I still grieve. Why can't I lead a normal and happy life? Therapy isn't doing jack shit! Quite frankly, I just give up right now.
And, I really don't care for happy, pick me up comments at this point in time and don't even comment if you're going to be a sarcastic prick. Got it?
-Bye...
current mood: Depressed/Suicidal - still
current music: The angry thoughts inside my head....
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(5 notes | Play the trombone)
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| Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
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9:47 pm
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Weee, the police office finally gave us our computer back. So, yeah...I'm back online.
Bye..
current mood: depressed
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(Play the trombone)
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| Sunday, May 30th, 2004
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6:48 pm
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Yeah, I'm still alive - unfortunately.
I keep having this reaccuring dream...
I'm sitting on our kitchen floor and cutting my wrist and arm and anywhere else I can. I'm bleeding to death and crying for help and no one is there to help me. I feel so alone and lost.
I'm not happy anymore and medication isn't doing a damn thing! It just makes me really tired and I have nightmares at night with the Trazodone and Zoloft is making me drowzy during the day. *sigh* Can SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!
On a decent note, I got my cell phone back, but I still don't have my computer back. My phone number is still the same.
Okay, I'm going.
current mood: Depressed/Suicidal - again
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(Play the trombone)
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| Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
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3:07 pm - Gotta love the media!
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http://www.pottsmerc.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=11433736&BRD=1674&PAG=461&dept_id=18041&rfi=6
*sigh* Just wait until they release names...
I really need to hide the papers and the news channels from my dad. My dad never liked him to begin with and now I have a feeling whenever my dear ol' father finds out, I'm going to get a long speech about how you should never get close with someone who is almost twice as old as you and teaches you music.
Ya know, there are times when I look at this situation and laugh (no offense to you Adair!) but, sometimes, it's just kind of funny. Ah, the best quote from Adair today in Website Design
"We should get Mr. Suloman to conduct band, he wouldn't molest us." I'm sorry, I found that funny as shit. Yeah, I needed that good laugh during 7th period. It's a sad situation, but then again, you think to yourself, why? and basically, why?
Yeah, I'm out
current mood: blah
current music: Death March
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(2 notes | Play the trombone)
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| Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
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9:08 pm - I'm losing it...
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I believe I've hit the brink of insanity and no one can help me now. I cry everytime I see a picture from VAB, everytime I think about the marching band season, everytime I remember we have a spring concert in about 1 week. Everytime I think of a happy memory, knowing the seniors made it this far with him and we can't even see him at our own graduation!! I break down.
No doctor, no psychologist, no therapist, no one can help me now. Only the Good LORD can get me and everyone else through this. The only thing that's keeping me alive is faith and trust in the LORD that everything will be okay. Everything will go back to being the way it was before. Deep down I know it's not, but just thinking that is keeping me alive right now.
I've been praying every night that he will be okay and everything will be just fine and I'll be able to talk to him again and tonight before I go to bed, the routine is the same....say a prayer and speak out to God, asking for support and guidance.
LORD: I feel so alone and scared and I ask you please to guide me in the right direction. I will follow you...
current mood: Alone and Lonely
current music: My thoughts...
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(8 notes | Play the trombone)
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7:20 am - ATTEN: JAZZ BAND
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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE IN JAZZ BAND AND READ LIVE JOURNAL, I WANT TO TRY AND BE ABLE TO HOLD JAZZ BAND ON WEDNESDAY EITHER AFTER SCHOOL OR MAYBE POSSIBLY COME BACK AT 5:30 AND HOLD PRACTICE FOR EITHER AN HOUR OR AN HOUR AND A HALF. BECAUSE, 1) WE HAVE A CONCERT IN 2 WEEKS, 2) THE CABARET IS IN 2 WEEKS AND WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE PLAYING! 3) I DON'T KNOW IF WE ARE STILL GOING TO THAT HIGH SCHOOL'S BANQUET - I THINK IT WAS OJR. BUT IF WE ARE, WE HAVE THAT, AND THE DAY THAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO PERFORM WITH THE SHOW CHOIR FOR OLD PEOPLE. WE HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS STILL COMING UP FOR US. SO, IF I FIND OUT IF WE CAN HOLD PRACTICE, I'LL LET THERE BE AN ANNOUNCEMENT ON WEDNESDAY. *sigh*
I hope we can practice...
current mood:  No feelings what-so-ever
current music: Just my brain thinking...
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(Play the trombone)
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| Saturday, May 1st, 2004
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5:15 pm
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| Friday, April 30th, 2004
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12:28 pm
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I'm so sick of crying....
current mood: Alone and Hurt, very badly
current music: Evanescence~"My Immortal"
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(Play the trombone)
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| Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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10:13 pm
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"I Fucking Hate You"
For everything you do
I'd like to swallow you
And everyday I'm gonna blame you
Even if you justify
Every fucking bullshit lie
It only makes me want to break you
You pull me down
And you crucify my name
You make me insane
It's broken now
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin'
'Cause I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me
When you repeatedly
Take advantage of me
The only thought I get of you sickens me
Everybody knows you're fake
You're everything I fucking hate
And I'm everything that you could never be
You pull me down
And you crucify my name
You make me insane
It's broken now
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin'
'Cause I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me
I fucking you hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me
(Fuck you)
(Fuck you)
(Fuck you)
You pull me down
And you crucify my name
You make me insane
It's broken now
Don't ever look my way
Don't even think I'm playin'
'Cause I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me
And I fucking hate
You're such a liar
And I love to hate you
You're all the same to me
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
Fuck you (fuck you)
current mood:  irritated
current music: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
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(4 notes | Play the trombone)
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10:01 pm
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Pick up your fucking phone you dumbass pussy!
And the hate and the rage just keeps building every moment.
So, what's going to happen this upcoming week?
Are we going to have jazz band on wednesday? Are we even going to have a spring concert in 2 weeks? What the fuck is going to happen. All I can say is...THANKS A BUNCH!
..my hand is still numb from punching the drum closet door...
current mood:  READY TO KILL! Bring on Monday
current music: Godsmack~"I Fucking Hate You"
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(Play the trombone)
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4:22 pm
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Fucking bastard...I HATE YOU!
Why?? That's all I want to know is why? *cries*
Never thought I could hate you as much as I do now.
I FUCKING HATE YOU!
current mood: infuriated
current music: Godsmack~"I Fucking Hate You"
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(Play the trombone)
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3:12 pm
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"(I Hate) Everything About You"
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
...There's no love involved in this, it's allll hate.
current mood: Pissed, Hurt, Lied to, Depress
current music: Three Days Grace~"I Hate Everything About You"
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(Play the trombone)
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netster15's journal
Medicated so I sleep tonight
